Kampung girl at heart

Location: Alor Star, Kedah, Malaysia

Monday, October 10, 2005

hellos and goodbyes, friends and lovers

Absence makes the heart grow fonder or wander?

Eversince a little girl, I've always love making new friends and saying goodbyes to them never used to be a problem for I kept the relationship light and casual.

I never knew how hard it was to say goodbye until my best friend moved away back in the mid 90's. God, it felt as if there was a big hole in my heart and in my life where she used to occupy.

While she prepared for the move, I pretended everything was okay and helped her whenever I could but my heart was hurting for I thought our friendship would end or at least, we would drift apart. When she left, I moped about but still pretended that everything was alright.

It was not alright but it helped that she was the type who talked about her feelings. she brought up the subject of her leaving and the impact it would have on our friendship for discussion. Her frankness touched my heart and in turn, i revealed to her, my fears and worries. It helped and we remain the best of friends until today.

The same goes with my few other best friends. we were separated by geography but in our hearts, we are still close.

How I wish it could be the same with lovers. My move to Alor Star in Nov 2001 forced me to be away from the love of my life at the time. we've been together almost a year and I thought our relationship was strong to endure the distance.

I was wrong. by early 2002, he was already seeing other women behind my back while outrightly lying to me about it. It took a best friend to tell me the home truth sometime in Oct that year and it must have been harder for her than it was for me. nobody liked the bearer of good news but i loved her more for it. the news hit me hard. i've had inklings and suspicions but to have it confirmed was terrible. for a moment, the world stopped turning for me and i thought i was dying. how funny to look back at that moment now and not feel a thing. yet, back then, i thought my world had fallen apart.

I try to be rational about the whole thing as I know the breakup was not due to the distance but him. I was the only one committed to the relationship while he was just there for the fun of it while waiting for something better to come along.

But deep down inside, i still fear saying goodbyes to lovers. I fear a repeat of that sad experience. They will move away, find someone new, keep me holding on until I found out the truth and suffer a broken heart.

Yet, i am forced to face another goodbye from a 'beloved one'. I like him a lot for he is intelligent, funny and kind in his way. He is moving away soon and though it is not that far, i still feel the panic building up inside me. oh no, not again, please.

My rational side feels that departure is for my best as the relationship will not lead to anything or anywhere. Best we part now while we are still friends. and we can still meet up though not as often as we are now.

yet the foolish silly romantic part of me, the part that hates changes of any kind, wants the impossible, the unattainable, the unacceptable. Stupid, stupid, stupid to wish for the moon, i tell myself. too many odds against us.

yes, we'll meet but it wont be the same. I'll be different, he'll be different. it's like history repeating itself. we are moving on two separate paths and i tell myself that it is better this way while my heart is still my own.

how will it turn out? i don't know but i am praying that i will come out alright from this. One thing for sure, I never want to be hurt like i was with my former lover. I am optimistic about the future and it will only hold happiness, laughter and enjoyment for me.
i don't want to cry and when i do, it will only be tears of happiness.

so, whatever happens after this, it is for the best for me. I've been tested and i know i can take whatever life throws at me.

Still, I hate goodbyes!


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