Jawa

Kampung girl at heart

Name:
Location: Alor Star, Kedah, Malaysia

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

my own female hall of fame

I must have done something good before this for i now feel like a millionaire, wait, make it a zillionaire.

I feel so so rich and happy. i must be the luckiest woman on earth.

What brough this unholy feelings, you might say. or did this woman accidentally swallowed some 'happy' pills?

i am not rich in terms of money and material possession (although judging by the things i now own, I do) but oh...in terms of love and friendship, i have it now in abundance.

Let me explain..love was in short supply when i was young. expressions or public display of love were hardly shown but harsh words and criticisms were endless.plus the ill-health and later the death of my mom when i was so so young made me feel alone, unsure, wary of my world. i feel that at any given time, the world will get off kilter and i will lost my balance and fall.i could not trust anyone.

from a happy and sunny child, i turn inward. i became sullen, withdrawn and i escaped into my fantasy world where everything was fine and beautiful. i find it difficult to connect with people and the world.
that sense of detachment grew as i matured.

other women saved me from myself from my first best friend to this latest in the long line of women who helped me find myself.

These names will forever be engraved in my heart..

"fadhillah, normala, liz haliza, kelly, parween, radziah, mimi, efi, selvi, muna and the latest addition is mak haji salmah."

i now pay my tribute to them for they helped me in healing my heart and my soul. some may not even realise how much they've played a part in making me what i am today and i may never get a chance to tell them that for they have moved out of my life but i will always pray for their well being and hope they find contentment and happiness.

as for the latest 'woman' in my life, mak haji salmah is the mother of my adulthood.

i lost my mother at the age of nine. she died when i was 12 but i felt i've lost her much much earlier for she fell very sick and could not take care of even herself. she became an invalid and i was left to fend for myself. although i am the youngest of ten, i was never pampered by my siblings. only my mother showed me love and even then, i remembered how she would sigh, cry and wonder who would love me after she was gone.

i was torn between loving her and hating her for being sick and leaving me to fend for myself and feeling guilty for even thinking this way.

i remember being pulled aside by my sister and told that from now on, with our mother being sick, i would have to look after myself, wash clean my own clothes, take care of my own belongings and do my chores. i was essentially alone despite being surrounded by siblings.

When she died, my world which was wobbling badly, came to a complete stop. i am alone. although my father did his best, he was a man who had no clue what a girl want or need. he was a traditional father, a product of his time and although he tried to unbent his strict disciplinarian soul, it was a poor substitute. we became close and spent a lot of hours together but it was mostly him talking bout his life, philosopies while i listened.

I didn't know i was hungry for love for i didn't even know what love is. i yearned for love but i didn't know how to find it or how to keep it. i discard friends easily for i never really took em into my heart. i was selfish, self-centred, callous and arrogant for it was the only i knew how to behave. i didn't know i was protecting myself, my heart from being hurt again.

i looked at my friends when they were with their mothers and i yearned for that 'moment'. they complained of their moms but oh if they only knew how bloody lucky they are to still have a mom.i was forced to fend for myself at a young age because she died. she would have stayed if she could but her time was up and though i hated her for that, i could not do that for she was my mom. i begged god to take me instead, he didnt listen and i hated him for that but i couldn't because i was taught that i could not hate god. he is the most merciful and kind yet why wasnt he kind and merciful to me?

who can i blame?

in the end, i blamed myself for not being worthy enough to have my mother around. i felt i didn't deserve for i didnt do enough to take care of her while she was sick and helpless. i blot out the sounds of her cries and the sights of her defecating on the floor for it shamed me.
i blamed myself for not being the filial daughter who was patient, kind, helpful, loving. instead i felt angry, mean, selfish..and i hated myself.
i hid all these bad memories away for i could not deal with my shame and my anger.

i yearn for my mother but my turn was gone. she is gone and i'll never have anyone who will love me for just me.

yet recently, i found myself being accepted as a 'daughter' by this kind elderly woman who already had four children of her own. i who have always been wary of such offers in the past, suddenly found myself opening up my heart to her. i am beginning to trust her.

her kindness and generosity humble me for she is a woman who have little possession yet is so generous with her affection and time.

i do have my moments of doubts but i am tired of being suspicious and wary all the time. this time, i am just gonna let it be, let things be and to trust god and his wisdom. no more self doubts, no more inner monologues and second guessing others' intention.

i am now guided by my instinct and my inner heart tells me she is for real. i am listening to me more often nowadays and you know what?

i am really content and happy...

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